Why I'm Here


I want to tell my story...
... not because I think it is so incredibly unique, but because I know that so many people can relate to it, and even benefit from it. Addiction can take many forms, and it’s no secret that it is wreaking havoc on our American culture. Whether it’s drinking, drugs, smoking, eating, shopping, gambling, overworking or bad relationships, it all stems from the same thing: the need to fill a void in our lives, and using the “quickest fix” to do it.

Addictions can certainly be genetic, and therefore passed down from generation to generation. But what is also probable is that children will model the addictive behavior of their parents, so that they are not only predisposed towards addiction, but conditioned into it as well. I know this was true in my case.

My father was an alcoholic who was verbally and physically abusive to my mother. They divorced when I was 8, and it had a huge impact on me. My mother had to work two jobs to support my sister and me, and my father was no longer around. So I became a latch key kid, left alone much of the time with nothing to do but eat for comfort. I began overeating and became an obese child. I spent most of my childhood overweight; picked last for sports, called every name in the book, teased by the boys and shunned by the girls. Of all of my addictions I would least wish obesity on anyone, especially as a child.  What sets it apart is that it’s the one addiction everyone can see.

I was obese for most of my formative years, in fact, all the way through high school until I turned 17. That summer, my mom came up with the idea to send me to live with my Uncle Pete in Hawaii. He was energetic, upbeat, physically fit and motivating, and I think she thought he would rub off on me. She was right. Upon making it to the islands, my uncle had me working, painting, running, and surfing—and eating fresh fruits and vegetables. I began to melt off the pounds, and with my skin tan and hair bleached from the sun, I returned for my senior year in high school a new person—60 pounds lighter than when I left 2 months before!

Life changed immediately for me ...
... and I wanted to catch up on all the fun I had missed out on. I wanted to experience everything I could, and experimenting with new things became my hobby.  I was in shape now, and eating was no longer a crutch, but it didn’t take me long to swap that addiction for a few other nasty habits: drinking, smoking and drugs. I’ve never been one to do anything in moderation, so these habits quickly raged out of control and became addictions themselves. I wasn’t aware that I was being self-destructive, I just thought I was young, wild and free--having a great time. It is my experience that most addictions come from a mindset of curiosity and experimentation. No one starts out with the intention to ruin their life.

While in Hawaii, I discovered something else that would greatly impact my life: my uncle’s acoustic Ovation guitar. I learned a few chords, and tried to put some of my sad poetry to music. I could not put the guitar or the notebook away. This was one case where becoming addicted was not a bad thing. It was like my whole childhood was flooding out of me through music. This felt like real power to me, and I couldn’t get enough. The release of opening up and letting out all of the negative energy through music was something I had never experienced before, but something I would never let go of.

I knew my dream was to be a performer. I didn’t really have any natural talent, but I did love music, and I had a burning desire to thrust myself into it, whatever that meant. During this time I was drinking heavily, doing a lot of illegal drugs and trying to “expand my mind.” I followed my heroes like Jim Morrison, Jimi Hendrix and Jerry Garcia. I probably should have considered the fact that they were all dead from doing drugs.

My recklessness and drug abuse increased, but I managed to get into a band with some friends from high school. We called ourselves Laughing Colors. I think the other guys saw potential in me, but I know they had some reservations about my behavior. Still, we started playing on a regular basis and quickly drew a following. I guess that being a musician is one job where you can get away with being a complete mess, at least for a little while. There was no question that I could eventually screw that up as well.

My breaking point came after being in the band for a few years. Playing music was now our full time job, and for me it was a non-stop party. We would do four or five gigs during the week, but drinking and drugs were a daily routine. It all started to melt together—the days, the nights, the shows, the people, the drinks and the drugs. On some level I though that drug abuse was a musician’s “rite of passage,” and that I had to go through this to understand what music and stardom where all about. How pathetic. That theory all came crashing down one cold night in late winter.

I had been up all night after a show, drinking my usual quantity, but doing a lot more cocaine than usual. The sun was about to come up, and all the coke was gone, but I noticed that something was really wrong. My heart was beating out of my chest. I began to sweat, and get dizzy, and I felt for sure that I was having a heart attack. My whole life flashed before my eyes, and I thought about how upset my mom would be that my life ended this way. She had always been my biggest cheerleader, even when there was nothing to cheer about. Now, one of my friends was going to call her and tell her that her son died of a cocaine overdose. This was not the vision of stardom I had envisioned.

I managed to get to a phone and call an ambulance. The ambulance came and took me to the emergency room. The doctor asked if I had been using drugs, if I thought I had a drug problem, and if I’d like to get some help. I answered YES to all of them.

An eye-opening experience ...
Just like my trip to Hawaii, my life was about to completely change. Rehab was an eye opening experience to say the least. There were all kinds of people in there—rich and poor, young and old, black and white.  I knew the band wouldn’t want me back if my actions didn’t change. I also knew it was time to change my life again, and since I had lost all of that weight as a teenager, I knew I could beat drugs and alcohol as well. It was just a matter of making up my mind to do it.

So I rejoined the band with renewed commitment—clean and sober. At first I was scared that the energy and confidence that I had might disappear without alcohol and drugs. Nothing could have been further from the truth. The band was better than ever, and a river of inspiration came flowing out of me. Once again I had shifted my perception of myself and my life instantaneously, and the results of my new outlook began to show. This would be the second time, but not the last time that life turned on a dime.

Things continued this way for a while, and the band enjoyed a high level of independent success. We sold 60,000 CDs on our own and played to packed houses on a regular basis. We had regular radio play on 98 Rock Baltimore, while our albums were produced by Mitch Allan, the singer/songwriter for SR-71 who wrote the smash hit “Right Now,” and co-wrote Bowling for Soup’s chart topper “1985.” We were selected personally out of hundreds of bands to work with the legendary producer Eddie Kramer, who worked with Led Zeppelin and countless others, but is best known for being the Electric Lady Land producer for Jimi Hendrix.

Life was good. But I couldn’t help but think that there was something missing. I always had this gnawing feeling that there was a lesson I was supposed to learn and teach to others, I just had no idea what the lesson was. Playing night after night completely sober for a crowd that was stoned and drunk began to wear on me, and during this time I relapsed. I wasn’t out of control to the extent that I was before rehab, but the occasional slip up was letting me know that deep down, all was not well. I can’t say that life had become unmanageable again, but I felt like there was something missing in my life.

Another event was coming that would change my life completely, and I don’t have to describe that day to you because you remember it well, and it changed your life too. The day was September 11th, 2001. Laughing Colors had been planning a bus trip up to New York City to do a showcase the following day, and we had 2 busses packed with fans, and over 40 record companies confirmed to attend. Needless to say, the show on the 12th never took place. In the weeks and months to come, I did some reflecting on what was really important to me.

The reason this day had such an impact on me is the same reason it had an impact on you. It changed life as we know it. It made us all take a good hard look at ourselves and ask humanity’s oldest and most puzzling question, “Why are we here?”  The ensuing scramble to make sense and find meaning in that tragedy created a wave of change in America that is still being felt, and will ripple out through history. I am a firm believer that with every misfortune there is the seed for greater opportunity and growth, and that we evolve by using these events to propel ourselves forward. If we don’t decide to learn a lesson from the event, we are destined to repeat it until we do.

September 11th made it very obvious to me what was missing in my life—a spiritual connection. I had always believed in some higher power. I just had some serious questions about the Christian faith I was raised in, and for most of my life I just discarded the idea that a higher power could affect my life in anyway. If I couldn’t see it, why believe it? Now I have come to the realization that nothing was ever missing, I just hadn't opened up my eyes to see it. I have a purpose for being on this planet, and by cultivating a spiritual connection, that purpose will be my friendly guide for the rest of my stay here.

Again, the reason I bring this up is because there are millions of people who feel the same way I did. There are many who don’t consider themselves particularly religious, but still believe in some higher power. They just haven’t done much to evolve that relationship, or figure out what that higher power means to them. So they go through life, day after day, thinking that they will eventually obtain happiness, because for some reason it’s managed to elude them thus far. The truth is that happiness has always been there for you, and it’s not something that you can “find” or “acquire.”